Two years ago today, I was five months pregnant, and awaiting the birth of our third son. I had no idea that his birth would be traumatic. I had no idea that he was a twin whose twin had already passed away. I had no idea that I was a living tomb. After our son’s birth, during inspection of the placenta, my midwife’s words still haunt me: “Is there any chance you had twins?” she asked, confirming with her words what I already knew in my heart. His placenta had two parts--the main section that had nurtured our living son, and a second, smaller part attached like the second lobe of a heart shape to one edge, containing nothing but a small circle in the middle, looking suspiciously like the remains of a second umbilical cord. I remember touching that little circle, believing there was nothing left of my baby that I would see or ever touch again in this life. When a twin dies in utero, sometimes the mother’s body acts dramatically with bleeding, signalling to all that a death has taken place. But other times, especially when earlier in pregnancy, the death happens quietly and mysteriously. If, as in my case, the mother is unaware consciously of the twin, the only witness is the surviving twin. There are a variety of things that can happen with the baby's tiny body, if it is not expelled by the mother. The body can be absorbed by the surviving twin, leading to extra limbs, hair or teeth in unusual places. After his birth, our survivor was examined, x-rayed, CT scanned, and MRI’d and nothing of the sort was revealed, although it’s possible some of his twin’s cells simply entered his circulation. Another possibility for the body is that it is absorbed by the placenta. Just as with my son, the placenta was examined quite thoroughly and nothing of the sort was found. The final possibility is that the mother absorbs the body. When I first heard this, I thought the idea to be odd, uncomfortable, even sickening, as if I had consumed my own child. However, just recently, it dawned on me that just as I was chosen to hold life in my womb, now I hold life within my body. I do not have to go anywhere to be with my baby. He is within me, and part of me. After birth, mothers often speak of feeling emptied, of a sense of loss now that they no longer carry their baby. But I get to carry my little Theo for the rest of my life. I am a living tomb. Recently. research has indicated that babies' cells remain in their mother's body after pregnancy. If you, or someone you know, has suffered from a loss during pregnancy, you may find comfort, as I have, from knowing that you may even now carry your baby--literally--in your heart.
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AuthorChristelle Hagen is the Founder of Team Tiny Treasures and a certified birth and bereavement doula. Archives
April 2024
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